report card.....haiz~

today i get back my report card...
average percentage increase a few marks only...
other people ALL improve a lot...
i'm failure....
haiz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
art class only 1 girl get straight As...
her GPK 1.++...
she got 1st...
whole form.....
i'm kind of curious what marks they get...
i want to know i lose by how many marks....
mid year whole form i got 2nd...
this time...
i got 5th...
haiz~~~~~~~~~
i knew it...
i didn't study much....
i.................
speechless..................................................
my GPK is 2.70...
next step/aim...
SPM need 2 get better than forcast result...
i don't think i can do it...
the forcast result....
teachers all give As except sejarah.......
forcast result too good...
i am not that good...
i can't do it....
haiz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
where can i get the confidence,the energy and the determination to do better than the forcast result?if you know how and where to get it...tell me ok?
give me some support so that i can know is support able to give me energy...
thanks...
haiz~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thief or ghost???

just now my youngest sis went upstair...
she tried to open the room door BUT the door is locked!
she asked me to open for her...
i told her it's not lock,open again...

my aunt tried to open for her BUT she also can't open...
i was shocked.i didn't lock the room...
the room doesn't has keys so it was locked from INSIDE!!!!!!!
ah~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who's in there?
younger sis said "perhaps it's like last time...
you know~theif....
stupid thief...went in to the poorest room...
we got no money in there....lame...
plus,the room got no door for the thief to run away and all the windows are locked."
(some cage like thingy...)
me:............
thief...what???!
i went upstair and tried to open the door...
BANG IT!!!but still can't opened..
i see through the key hole...
i saw nobody....
my aunt scared...she gone out and came back with lots of villagers!!!
together they kicked,bang and do lots of things to make that door open...
around 10-15 minutes the door opened...
proven it's locked from inside BUT who locked it?!
nobody was in the room!!!
all of them shocked because it is not possible for the door to locked inside itself.
the wind can't do that...wind can only close the door not lock...
inside got two locker...
one of them is the hard to lock type..
need to push very hard to lock it...
how the wind does that??
if there was thief inside...where was the thief?
how the thief managed to get out???
weird......
ghost???????
not possible...
the sun is so bright and the ghost did such lame thing?
crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzy~~~
any idea who lock the door?
let's solve this mystery together...

the truth of the world....

a friend of mine found out about the strong selfishness of human being...
at last she found out...
she thinks the world is cruel...
humans...
most of them only care for themselves and the people that are important to themselves...
well...
i told her it's normal...
humans born with sin...
born to be selfish...
when you start to see the world,
you'll decide what kind of person you want to be...
just ignore those being selfish...
i'm selfish too!
haha!
as long as don't be extremely selfish...ok?
she just=(

during a party,
she saw some people only care for their own gang...
the time they need to arrange chairs for the party,
she saw some people only form a circle for her own gang and stop arranging...
wait for others to arrange themselves although they are suppose to arrange for everyone...
then,she saw those who not so likeable one being left out...
she just asked the not so likeable one to sit with her and her gang eventhough her gang don't like the not so likeable girl...
others...just ignore pretend as if they can't see her.
she said something else...
planning to said something else about the selfishness she saw in that party but due to some circumstance...she didn't have the chance to tell me.
i wish to know more...
anyway,she conclude her feelings by saying "i wish this party don't exist."

p.s.i feel kind of weird because most of the people enjoyed the party.
perhaps she's like my past...when everyone so in the party mood,she sat alone observing others...
saw the weakness of human being and thinks the world is scary...full of bad guys...
i told her 1 thing...
you know why last time i always disturb you and try to be your friend?
because i see you as a good person...
no matter how bad you try to be,you sure failed!
haha!:P

i failed...

everyone!punch me!!!
i failed to not online...
haiz......
yesterday or the day before...i can't remember...
i read someone's blog...
talking about birthday party/birthday celebration again...
i'm kind of jealous...
weird...
i seldom jealous...
i wish i'll also get the chance to have some kind of birthday celebration but...
but i'm not sure do i really want to have one...
family?
usually buy a cake/use the cake for father's day as my birthday cake.
eat cake...
that's all.
friends?
they won't have the time to celebrate with me...
i'm a nobody...
a nobody....
even IF i get the birthday celebration,
i don't think it will be fun...
those friends i'm close with not close with each other....
everything will be weird...
better don't have...
i'll imagine my dream birthday party...
perhaps it will be better.
dream~~~
i'm dreaming~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

22 October 2009

after english literature class...
i waited for my aunt to come to fetch me.
i told her to come at 2.45pm although i know the class usually ends before that.
i just don't want her to wait and...
i think i purposely want her to come later so that i got the chance to chit-chat with my friends
i thought i will talk to them while waiting for car.
yesterday e.l. class ends at 2.30pm.
suprisingly,yesterday everyone went home early!!!
straight away get into the car once they came out.
i've got no chance to talk to them

well,even if they are here for me...i can't guarantee i'll talk to them.
i am kind of like last time.
start walking away whenever i see humans...
only some of them i don't run away from.
i scared i'll hide from everyone soon.
scared i'll go to the library to hide during reccess...
really scared i'll be like that again.
i tried my very best to talk to them but i don't know why i won't approch my closer friends if they are with a gang of their close friends(those not so close with me).
i feel like i don't belong there and this cause my run away feeling more serious.
i'm getting more and more not close with all of my friends.
some because i've stopped to go to school by bus.
reach school late...don't have much time to chit-chat with friends.
some...bus mates...my cucu...
i guess they'll forget me soon

back to yesterday's case...
everyone left early.
i was there alone waiting for my aunt.
later,mei foong appear.
we said hi.
that's all.now,don't really have much conversation with her because we don't reccess together anymore.
even if i go and reccess together with them,i won't get the chance to talk.
i don't have the chance.i'm like an outsider.
i don't like that.i rather to be alone.
when people asked me why i don't reccess with them anymore,i lied.
i said i don't want to see the face of the person i hate whom reccess together with them.
that's just an excuse i tell others and an excuse that i tell myself.
i don't want to face the truth that i no longer got chit-chat topic with them.
i just left quietly...to be alone again because being alone is my fate.

mei foong and me got a little conversation.
i think the conversation only start when yjm came.
at 1st,i tried to pretend i can't see her.
she said 'hi' to mei foong.
then said'hey!' to me.
i said 'helo'.
i feel weird.she said 'hey!' in a 'polite' way.
not like the usual harsh tone.
well,not 1st time.everytime we met our voice change.
she become more 'si men' than usual(funny)
and me...become like no voice come out...
don't know why.maybe because once 'fan min'.
now feel weird.
the moral of the story is...
don't ever fan min with any of your friends because even the wound is recover,there will still be a scar there.
haiz.......

yjm:(to mei foong)what time you go home?
mei foong:how would i know?my mum come then i go home la...
yjm asked that more than 3 times...
then,mei foong talked about basketball.said she's interested in learning how to play basketball.
said her brother teach her,play with her brother.
yjm:you need to be very tall to play basketball.
me:(in my brain...i didn't say out'where got!last time my sis played basketball.that time she was short.and suet kee is not tall although taller than me...she represented perak for basketball competition.)
mei foong:no need very tall.my brother only a head taller than me...
me:(huh?like that also not very tall?means i'm very short la...)
mei foong:(to yjm)how tall are you?
yjm:165cm.
me:(huh?don't lie la...where got ar?)
mei foong:got that tall mou ar?
yjm:am i that short?
me:(yes!haha...)
mei foong:.........................(to me)you leh?how tall?
me:huh?well...i don't know...only know i'm shorter than my sis and she'll always tease me when she's free...i think my height is 160cm or below gua...you leh?
mei foong:...........................bye!my car is here.
me:bye
yjm:bye!want me to bang the door for you!
mei foong:no need la!
yjm:what time you go home?
me:i don't know.
mei foong:you ask this question again?!haiyo...
me:=]

i was left alone with yjm.
we got no conversation at all.
i tried to talk but what should i talk about?
in my empty head...:
go and tell her wei!very boring ar...let's chit-chat.i don't want got penyakit kemurungan...
argh...this sounds stupid....
another thing pop into my empty head.wei!yesterday i visited the school blog.
that grad night post got your photo.
the one took at the entrance with tan ping qing and tan jing wen.
argh!this one more lame than the previous one.
of course she already know.sure got people tell her la...
aiya...i just keep quiet better...
wait for her to talk 1st la...although i don't think it will happen...
my aunt...very late!
she came at 3++pm!
i've stand there stupidly waiting with someone in front of me but didn't talk...
lame!argh!!!!!!!
whatever....
she went home before me...
she said bye 1st....
the stupidest thing i did yesterday...
standing stupidly and talk nothing...anyway,she did the same.
just that i looked more stupid.that's all.
yesterday,1 thing for sure.she don't hate me and i don't hate her.
another thing...i don't know why she will only talk to me i front of kole and mei foong.
and.i did the same without reason..haha!

my youngest sis's results......

even worst than my trial results...
how is it possible for a 7 years old girl to get such results?
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!
moral 86
bm pemahaman 60
maths(english)55
english 46
bm penulisan 37!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know after i get all her papers...what will happen....
perhaps i'll die bcz of heart attack....
haiz...................
headache again............

headache.......

this few days don't know why headache...
feel like i'm thinking a lot of things that cause me headache....
but when i think again.....
i think my head is empty...
i'm thinking nothing...yet my head ache.
perhaps i drink too much coffee......

i always shout like mad dog anytime i like...
i know i'm crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy...
yet i always do that.....
my youngest sis...seriously...
i don't know what can i do to help her.
i am the eldest.
i must do something to help her.
yet..i don't know how...
i always lose my patient....
i can't control my anger...
i don't know why everytime i see her face..
i feel like scolding her...
i'm a lame sis...

this 7 years old sis get 37 marks for her bm penulisan!!!!!!!
argh!!!!!!!
how can this happen IF she listen to what teacher say in school?
i bet she's always chit-chatting while teacher is teaching.....
i know it's my fault for not teaching her before she face her exams...
yet i think she need to be responsible for her result....
she.....
she does not think studying is important....
in my opinion,
no matter how hard i tell her to study,
she won't take it seriously...
she need to realise this herself...
i can't do much...
i mean...
well...
i got a friend that's not good in her studies during primary...
she was in the last class....
her parents force her to study but she rebelled...
she starts trying hard when she found out that she's the weakest in her study among all her friends....
she doesn't want to be the last among them...
she wake up and start studying....
she's no longer in the last class...
now she's in the third class...

should i wait for my sis to wake up herself?
i'm afraid it's too late...
well.....
i shouldn't give up now right?
i think i've done nothing....
i should do something to her before i give up...
i wish she has friends thats good in studies because that help a lot....
last time...when i was in my primary school...
my friends are the love study type...
i don't really love studying but at that time i like competition....
i like to win......
we always compete to see who's results better...
that help a lot....
this type of challenge will make someone improve...
even our normal homework like essays we'll compete and see who will get higher marks...
we also exchange exercise books to read each other's essays....
this help all of us improve....
now although we are not close anymore...
sometimes...we're like strangers but still i apprieciate those time...
i wish my sis will meet this kind of friends because friends play a BIG role in a person's life....
we'll easily influence by our friends....

anyway,
i've decided to give her lectures before sleep everynight as bedtime story..
haha!
hope she'll understand....

p.s.just now i fell down!
my left hand(a few fingers) and my left leg hurts!!!!!!!!
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!