i HATE her...

i don't know why.
there is a strong feeling right inside me.
hatred.
i HATE her.
since the 1st time i saw her i dislike her.
since the day i know she always insult people around her,i know i didn't accuse her.
she is indeed a BAD person.
since the day she insulted my mother, i HATE her!
she did insulted me before but i can ignore that because i always insult myself :)

i thought i won't bear grudge.
i thought i can forget but i'm wrong.
i can't do it.
forgive and forget is something i can't do and i don't feel like learning to do so.
perhaps hating someone will make myself suffer but i can't help hating whoever that hurt me.
perhaps he or she will change one day but i won't forget the things they did on me.



last year,i saw her on facebook as new user.
saw her profile photo.
my 1st reaction:YUCKS~!
then,i forget about her.

recently,accidentally saw her 'menyampah' face again.
my curiousity made me clicked.
i viewed her profile.
surprisingly, the 1st thing i am concern of is her friends.
perhaps i should say my friends that i label as important friends to me.
i was there searching and looking hard.
wish they didn't request or accept her as siblings.
feel relieve when i didn't see any of them in her siblings list.
i don't know why i always wanted to know,am i more important than her in their heart.
is my status as their friend a little higher than her?
or am i below her?


a conffession to be make here.
dear st. johners or ex-st.johners friends of mine who treat her as friend,
i actually did a cruel thing on her and yet i didn't regret.
when i told my sis about this,she said she can't imagine it and she thought i won't do so.
she thought my evilness is just verbal evilness not action.
after she said that,i do think i did a little too over BUT after a few weeks,i don't feel bad anymore.
if i am given a chance to undo it,
i won't undo.

my dear st.johners and ex-st.johner friends,
did you all remember i scolded a friend of yours?
i hide some of the actual story from you all because i wasn't prepare to tell you all yet.
now i am prepared.
perhaps only 1 of you all will have the chance to read since the other....
seldom online?
forgotten my blog address?
well...
erm...
here it is.

i hate her.
she make me angry(reason:simply insult people).
i planned a revenge.

on the report card day,
i planned to scold her in front of her mother but that didn't happened.
i scolded her earlier.
during reccess time.
i shouted at her.

me :XXX~!你干嘛!!!!!!干嘛满街唱衰我?!!!
XXX :我没有～(in a pretend she's a 斯文person...using soft tone.YUCKS~!)
me :你有!!!!!!
XXX :我真的没有.(装楚楚可怜的表情)[恶心死了!]
me :有啊!我又没有得罪你你干嘛唱衰我!
XXX : 我几时唱衰过你?
Me : 你干嘛到处乱跟人讲我是私生女?你凭什么酱讲!你怎么会知道我是不是!
XXX : 我猜的啦．
Me : 这种东西哪有的猜的!!!!!你还到处讲是我画黑板!说是我用黑板来侮辱你!你那个眼睛看到啊!蛤!

(i think i scold some other stuff too but i can't really remember...)

Then, TSY pulled me away. Take me back to my class because she saw the discipline teacher and the H.E.M. I was in my class crying and that girl crying in the canteen. Others told me that the discipline teacher and the H.E.M. got find her. Have a talk with her or what I don’t know.
All I know is that no teacher come to find me. In our class, we argued once more. Then, she started to feel scared. She kept on saying sorry and begged me not to say a thing to her mother.

i guess...i won in that 'battle'. But i won in a dirty way.


The things she insulted me, i wrote back on the black board 2 days after she said so just to make her mad.
i worte twice.using my left hand.
she did get mad.
she knew the person who wrote that used left hand.
she showed those 'kua zheong' facial expression and shouted madly in the class like a mad dog.
i was there in the corner where i used to sit smiling evilly.

every classmate of mine that saw those things i wrote kinda shocked but none of them feel like rubbing it.
even some said let it be there.let her see.i want to know what's her reaction.
i am very sure the 1st person she suspect is me but i wasn't afraid.
she started telling those people around her i did that.
then some of my classmates said it back to me.
i pretended as if i am a victim.
pretended that i didn't do so.
most of my classmates stand at my side.most of them believed me.
then,when someone told me she even tell those not from my class i wrote that, i used the reason she 'fitnah' me and went to scold her.
i am very x999999999999999999999999999 bad and evil right?

thinking back about what i did to her,i did feel bad but after i type it out and read again i feel 5 times worst.
am i really that evil until me myself can't stand the evilness hidden beneath me?
or am i just can't get use to the evil me because i am used to hear people saying i am a good person?
i don't get it.
i always see myself as a bad,evil and cruel person but people that know me for some time always say i am a good person.
anyway,i promise myself i won't do such thing anymore because i feel really bad for weeks.
however,i still hate her.

p.s.do you feel scared or feel like running away from me after you read this post?

erm..simone and jean mae..ignore the chinese words...in fact you can ignore the whole post.i told both of you before about this incident.