100th post?

it doesn't really matter because i always post more than 1 stuff in a post....
i've been wanting to post blog more than 5 times a week but that time i can't online...
mum forgot to pay the bill....
and now...
i can't really remember what i want to post. =.=lll



yesterday...
i got a phone call from my mum...
few days one call from her=normal.
just that yesterday she told me something else that make me feel sad and feel like i'm so timid and useless.....
i hate this kind of feeling yet i always experience it.
i hate the fact that unfortunate events always happen on me and people around me.
i hate the fact that people whom i care always fall in trouble.


yesterday my mum told me that my grandpa (father's side) suddenly headache while riding his motor.then,he kinda inbalance and fell down.grandpa now don't dare to go out...
always stay inside the house...
not only that...my grandpa also start..
well...you know...when human start aging they lost some sense...
'berak & kencing tanpa pengetahuan sendiri'...
(pardon me...due to my stupidity,i don't know what this sickness called)


now 'great'~!!
nobody in the house can take care of him and grandma.
usually my grandpa is the one goes out and buy vege,meat and daily stuff for the family because my youngest aunt(姑姑) work in singapore while my grandparents and my eldest aunt staying in johor.

youngest aunt only go back once a week because she's very busy.
she's very pity....
really...
in singapore after work she has to take care her husband.
her husband fell down while fixing air-cond last year.
due to that fall,
he has to sit on the wheelchair.
he can't walk.
half of his body can't move.
hemiplegia...is this the correct word?
whatever....

what about the eldest aunt?
the eldest aunt can't help much...
the main reason she can't help much not because she can't speak.
it's because her parents had pampered her due to her disability and always let her does anything she like.
she's 40++ but she can't even take care of herself.
she only know how to cook maggi mee and fried french fries.
now she can cook other stuff.
she just start cooking recently but i doubt the taste.
she also start cleaning up the house for the 1st time in her life at the age of 40+.
she start doing chores because my grandma can't walk or stand long even with the help of 'tongkat'.
i went there once.2 months ago.
the place don't seem clean especially the windows.
got lots of birds and lizards turd.
the time i was there,my mum help to do the cleaning.

now i...
i feel like going there to help.
the cleaning up and cooking.
the responsibilty to take care them make me feel like going there.
i'm the eldest grandchild.
i have to do something.
i MUST do something before it's too late.
i don't want to continue hating myself for doing nothing.

i want to have the ability to earn money soon.
not those small little amount from part time jobs.
i want to have the ability to earn a lot.
i want to help them.
my aunt and uncle are very good people.
they don't deserve to suffer this way.
i hate to believe what i see.
what i always see is that good people always suffer and bad people always enjoy their life.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY THE WORLD IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMN UNFAIR!
WHY kind people can't have good life?
why must they suffer like this?????

i got 3 weeks sem break next month start from 6th sept till 26th sept.
before my mum called me i actually planned to find jobs to fill up the holidays.
i don't want to go back to ipoh 1st.
but now i think i've to cancel this plan and replace it with going to johor 1 week?

2 weeks?

3 weeks?

urgh...
i don't know...
what can i do?
what should i do?
who can tell me?

i feel worst when my mum told me that my aunt,uncle and grandpa deposit some money to my account for me to use.
use as living cost while they are facing problems~~~~~~~!
they should've use the money to hire a nurse, a maid or someone that can help them!
not give it to me!!!!!!!!!!
i hate the feeling of taking money/using money that earn by others.
I'M NOT QUALIFY FOR THAT AND I CAN'T ACCEPT!!!!
I know start taking part time jobs now...
work and study at the same time perhaps will affect my studies ＢＵＴi don't want to continue stretching my hand out for money.
i'm quite good in saving money since i'm stingy.
i think i can earn my own living cost since i've 3 weeks sem break and next sem only got 3 subjects.
i think i can manage my time.
anyone here support me to do part time jobs?

p.s.the agreement i sign for scholarship don't allow me to work but who cares?
they won't know...