worry???

recently i am worry of lots of things...
i don't know why.
i feel worry all the time...
always in fearful mood...
i scared lots of things...
what i scare the most is...
my surrounding.............

everything seem changing and me?
still the same.....
people around me changing...
the environment changing...
i.....
haiz~

perhaps i should change too...
actually i should change long time ago.
last week lots of things happen...
i feel like i am soooooooo NOT like a girl...
it is not something new...
i know that...
every new year start i keep on telling myself "I want to change!"
but....
every year i fail...
i need a good reason to change...
i can't find 1..
i don't feel like changing without a reason...

what happened last week?
well...
as usual...
i am EXTREMELY DIRTY...
haha =D
while doing my oil painting...
i don't know why i get extremely dirty...
the oldest among all and yet...
the dirtiest...
this is something very common...
i always get dirty without knowing it myself...
when i looked at myself...
i was shocked and extremely embarrass...
my left sleeve full of oil painting...
purple and green colour...
the middle of my shirt full of colours...
even my hands...
both hands...from fingers to elbow also got colours!
when teacher saw me...
she said"wow~!your painting so clean but you are so dirty...other people all opposite...human clean painting dirty"
they(those involve in oil painting) looked at me.
all of them show the OMG!!!!!!!!! faces...
even my sis that is use to my dirtiness get shocked...
she said"wah~!你夸不夸张点啊？酱dirty!"
me:well...as usual ma...you know la...i am more dirty than a 3 years old kid...
i gave her a smile...
i pretended to look like i don't care when everybody is there...
i......
haiz....
我无药可救了。。。

besides that...
the way i wear...
well...always wear extremely big t-shirts and shorts walking here and there...
so.......messy...
always get scolded but used to it...
can't hear a word...
now i did feel something...
more and more people telling me this...
more and more people giving me a weird look when i go out in those...
messy clothes....
clothes look messy because too big but i like...
more comfortable...
mum said:"sleep only want comfortable"
haiz~
i started to observe people around me..
found out that i am the only girl that wear like this...
i'm weird.......

worst still...
the way i eat.......
horrible...
haha~!
more dirty than a 3 years old kids!!!
everytime i eat...
i never fail to make myself dirty...
my mouth always got sauce around it...
look stupid...
my sis always shake her head when she see my dirty face...
my mum always membebel why can't you eat properly...
i don't know and don't understand how to eat properly...
how to eat without getting myself dirty?
yesterday...ate curry...
whole mouth red...
all those soup sticking there like a clown's mouth i think...
i didn't look into a mirror...
don't have a mirror with me...

i also don't use all those make up stuff...
think that they are very leceh...
plus...i don't wear dress or skirts...
don't like...
i don't even wash my face with cleanser...
only clear water even though i know nowadays....even men and boys use cleanser...
am i too abnormal and should change as soon as possible???
ARGH~!
whatever...

p.s.i scare i'll lose all my friends...everyone seems changing physically and mentally...
i am the only one left...
still the same as usual...
haiz~~~