at 1st...i planned to type everything in chinese because i don't want you all to know what happen but in the end....
i failed to do so because i want you all to know...
to give me support...
to give me solution...
to.....
help me...
a day before...i was happy...
now...i'm down...
haiz~~~weirdo...
around 2pm++ my aunt(father's side) called.
she said my uncles will be there on the 3rd day of CNY...
she asked me are we going to Johor....
i said i don't know...
my mum will only be back on the 3rd day of CNY...
i don't know what should i say...
i feel bad about this...
my aunt has been calling us lots of times asking are we going to Johor...
everytime...
we let her down...
everytime...
we said don't know...
i hate this feeling...
i hate replying her this way....
she has been calling us a few times....
asking our situation and so on...
yet...we not even called her for once...
NOT EVEN ONCE~~~~!!!!!!!!
ARGH~~~~I'M SUCH A JERK~~~~~~~~!
i'm not good in chatting through phone...
i don't know what to say...
(stupid excuse...)
her life is not much better than ours...
she and her husband having difficulties these few years...
yet i don't even call them once...
didn't do anything that show i'm concern about them...
i don't worth to be a human!
last year,her husband fell down while repairing air-conditional...
broke his legs...quite serious...
but we didn't go there to visit him...
haiz~
during such long holidays....after my SPM...
we still didn't go there to visit them...
WHY?!
BECAUSE I AM SOOOOOOOO USELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18!
don't even know how to take care myself.
can't even convince my mum that i can bring my sisters there to visit my aunt and my grandparents.
don't even know how to take a bus there.
don't even know where my aunt actually stays.
and worst of all..
i'm 路痴！
i don't recognize roads and places!
i'm STUPID! WORTHLESS! USELESS!
argh~!IDIOT T.VIVIEN!!
I HATE YOU~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know a friend that always go to KL alone.
know how to take a bus there all by herself...
ALONE!SINCE 13!!!!!!!!!
yet~i can't do it although i've reached 18!
useless!!!!!!!!!!!
get too depress...cry a while quietly...
no one notice i guess...
went to sleep to run away from the real world...
just like the me in the past...
i thought i've change...
i thought i've found the meaning of my life.
i thought i can be a better person.
thought i'll dare to go for my dreams and be much more stronger than now but no....
i'm still a failure...
lucky that i was working last month...
if not...i'll have too much time to think about nonsense and get much more crazier and depress than now...
i need work to 'drunk' me...
to prevent me from thinking things that make me sad...
to prevent me from thinking i'm useless and worthless......
argh~please tell me where i can find the value of living as me...
i need to know where and how i can find confidence...
i need it desperately.....
p.s.i thought i can take and let go friendship easily because since i'm a little abnormal girl...
i knew nothing will last long include friendship...i'll be grateful if i can be a friend of someone more than 3 years but i am becoming more and more...greedy...i wish the ship will be floating longer.....
why do i suddenly say such things?
because....
i'm jealous....
nobody ever invited me to gathering and stuff like that....
jealous because my sis will be going out with her friends during CNY week...
jealous because no one ever invited me sincerely to hang out together...
jealous because everytime i wanted to go out...
i've to take the 1st step!
i need to say it out!
i need to be'muka tembok' saying i wish to go too or why don't you invite me?or holidays you all got activities or not?can i join?
WHY I MUST SAY OUT WHAT I WANT AND MAKE MYSELF EMBARRASS while others don't need to!!!
what can i say?F-A-T-E....
or maybe....报应...
i've got nothing now except a few pimples on my face that disturb me a lot...1st time get this lot of pimples on my face!argh~
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