i am emberrass...

i did something i hate...
and this is not the first time i did this in school.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY?!!!!!why i cried i school?
i can't accept this...unforgivable!!!!!

Today,my school invited 22 colleges and universities to give some kind of carrier talk.
Before that,the principal gave a short speech something that i can't remember...
the only thing i can remember is STRESS.
she said when we got stomachache a few days before exam,it's one of the symptom of stress...
i think i got that...
recently i don't know why i become like the time(form 1 June-form 3 October) when i face a lot of problems...
the time that i got stress over the limit that i can stand.
i did stupid things to 'overcome' the stress...i ran away and kept on hiding by sleeping...
i slept all the time espeacially in school.
i never pay attention in every subjects.i never think of changing until i've found HOPE.
the hope come from the care i feel from my family and my friends.
although i don't have much friends,i know they are true friends.i am very sure of that.
but don't know why this year...i can't feel the type of care that i felt last time.
they did care about me but i don't feel the same.
maybe the stress i am facing blinded me or maybe...
maybe it's going to end like the other friendship that i did experience before and i hate that very much!
i hate seeing every ship that i try to sail with sink before my fellow crew and i get to our destination.
the ships always seem getting overweight and i'll be the one being dump to the sea or being kick out of the ships.
i don't mind.i'm used to be alone,used to sail in my small little boat that can fill not much people.
perhaps someone will come in to sail along with me one day.even if the duration of us being in the same small boat is short,i'll always remember all the passengers that is willing to sail along with me.i hope you all will remember me too although i am a nobody...
maybe recently i feel down and emo because i feel like i am going to lose everything and this make me feel like there is no more hope in my life.

i also hate seeing my mother suffer,my mum is going to work in England next month because she doesn't has anymore money left to raise us up.my mum want me to study business management either after form 5 or form 6 but i like interior design.should i follow what she wants?i don't want her to be sad yet i...
i wish 2 choose the 1 i like although i don't really believe that i can do it...
AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT SHALL I DO??????