dishonest,honest and dishonest again....

another post again...
what happen to me???????????
ARGH!!!
what's happening?
is it everything going against me or i am going against them????????
i think i am changing again...
i am so not like me...
i barely know myself...
i'm going to be better or going worst?
i think i'm going worst...

the story start from the 1st lie...
seriously,
i HATE being dishonest but i don't know why i can't open my mouth whenever i try to tell the truth...
1st lie...
i....
i........
i.....................

well,2 or 3 weeks ago...
i got back my english paper.
i didn't check the marks because that time i was having exam and someone else already check for me...
i assume that there's nothing wrong with the marks...
2 or 3 weeks later...
i found out that teacher gave me extra 10 marks for paper 2!!!
i was shocked...she put 19/10 for the transfer information part...
i got 69/75 instead of 59/75...
total of my english marks suppose to be 81 but teacher gave 87...
i don't know how to tell teacher because we have discussed the paper a few times and everytime i forgot to bring the paper...
everytime teacher discuss,i didn't check...
when i searched for the paper to put in 'file gemilang' i saw the 19/10...
if i tell teacher to minus my marks,
teacher will know i didn't bring my paper a few times...
i don't want her to know that...
i calculate my marks for the average percentage..
actually this extra 6 marks only make 1.0 difference...
and the grades also won't make any difference...
so...i decided not to tell...
today,
i calculate my EA paper...
again...teacher counted wrongly....
why counted wrongly?
well,i suppose to do 4 out of 6 essays but i did 5...
she counted everything...
after i counted again,i struggled for 20 minutes...
thinking to tell or not to tell...
this time the grade is affected...
teacher gave 72(3B)...
i suppose to get 65(4B) only...
haiz........
i knew it...
i didn't study much!it's impossible to get 70++!!!
at last,i told teacher about the mistake...
i tell because i've lie once...i don't want to lie again...
cheating for marks will make me feel uncomfortable for a long time...
i hate cheating......
when i went to change my marks..the other students asked me
"you still don't satisfy with your marks?"
"you want to add marks ar?"
well...i told them i want to minus marks...
yup!minus!
some said i'm CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZY...
some said i'm honest....
i feel weird...
1st lie...i refuse to tell...
it makes me feel unhappy...feel like i've did a big crime...
2nd time,
i tell the truth...
yet,i'm unhappy....i don't know why....
i just feel down.....
later,i keep quiet again....
i didn't talk much today.

during perdagangan period,pn.eliazabeth tan came to my class.
she told me that my english marks is qualify for the principal's award essay writing competition...
i suddenly remember that pn. mahindar told me i get 85 above...
qualify for the essay competition...she asked me i wanted to take part or not...
i nodded....
she want me to find pn.elizabeth to tell her i want to take part.
i didn't find pn.elizabeth because i'm kind of guilty~
i didn't expect her to come and find me!!!
i....
when she told me to stay back on tuesday at 2pm in AVA room,
i wished to tell her i am not qualify for the competition...
i opened my mouth...
i try to speak but no words come out.
i keep quiet again.....
did i do this on purpose?
did i purposely don't want to tell because i want to try in the essay competition?
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!
i'm a jerk.
i hate the way i am.........
well,i decided to go and try my luck...
i know it's impossible for me to get something from the competition...
i just want some experience...
i want to try...
i'm wondering how many people from V class is going...
V classes girls always being look down by others...
i want to change the way they look at V classes girls...
but...
well...
i know i don't have the ability but i want to try.
U3!^!^,good luck!!!
haha!